Clothing Optional

We don’t put clothes on Milo very often. Perhaps you’ve noticed in the photos - much of the time she’s either swaddled or in only a diaper. Honestly, sometimes we just forget. Yesterday, for instance, we packed up and prepared to go to Panhandle park, about a block from our apartment. We got everything ready, wrapped Milo up against my chest, and set out to buy sandwiches from a local shop and picnic in the park. Quickly upon leaving the apartment, I realized that we had forgotten to put clothes on our girl. She was sporting only a diaper while resting snugly against my chest. Luckily, it was a warm day, so we decided to go to our picnic anyway.

When we got to Panhandle, we set out our blankets, took Milo out of the wrap and laid her down. She loved the air and the sun, spread her arms and legs out wide and looked around while Chase and I ate. We probably only stayed for about 30 minutes (it got a little breezy for my liking), but she was a happy little camper while we sat out. I foresee lots more picnics in our future. Probably we’ll put clothes on her, but you never know. Maybe we’ll have a little nudist baby!

Day Fifteen

Mail for Milo

Milo is two weeks old today. Both yesterday and today we got mail for her, but there’s one big difference between the two pieces. Yesterday’s mail was addressed to “Lassiter, Female” and today’s mail actually said “Milo R. DuBois.” I know it’s silly, but it’s nice to see her name in print, even if it is just a silly insurance card. Milo R. DuBois - she exists and has been recognized. It makes me feel a little like this.

Also, Chase and I took Milo to the park for the first time today. We didn’t stay long because it got a little breezy, but she definitely enjoyed being outside for a while. She just laid there, calm and cool, looking around and soaking in the goodness of being outside. I hope she continues to enjoy parks and outdoors. It’s going to make this whole adventure a lot more fun!

Tummy time

For those who don’t know (which included me until recently), tummy time isn’t just about infants being on their bellies and looking cute. It’s actually one important way for them to develop the muscles they need to crawl and to lift their giant heads. It’s like physical therapy.

So I felt only a little bit cruel today when I rolled Milo onto her belly and watched her struggle — as newborns instinctively do, evidently — to writhe her way forward. Where was she going? She certainly did not know, as she currently can’t see objects more than 10 inches away, and in any case she mostly had her eyes closed. But whatever it was, she was determined to get to it, and when I gave her a helping hand under the pads of her feet, she moved!

I’m not embarrassed to say that a few moments later, I had arranged myself in an odd-looking side-lying position with the top of my foot now serving as the backplane for her to kick off of, so that my head and hands could be in front of her, guiding her toward me with snaps and claps and cheers of encouragement. I was starting block, finish line, and coach all in one; Milo was my bulbous, awkward, diapered athlete, and I’m happy to report that she won.

Day Fourteen

First Day Out

Today was our first outing with the baby for her first pediatrician appointment. We intended to wrap her up against Chase’s body and take the bus, but when that didn’t work out, we ended up loading her in the carseat and driving. It worked out, and we found out that Milo loves riding in the car.

The pediatrician didn’t have much to say, and Milo didn’t get any shots. She is a healthy girl, growing well, and she even pooped big for the doctor. Not that it was required, but Milo came through anyway. She was a calm and collected little bit throughout the entire appointment. She slept most of the time, even when being inspected. The doctor told Chase and I that we look great for new parents; most parents, she said, come in for the 2 week visit looking quite haggard. I hailed Milo as our little champion for sleeping so well at night. “You look like a happy family,” the doctor commented.

After that, we came home and relaxed, watched a bit of Twin Peaks this evening, and finished off the frozen lasagna we’d made when preparing for our girl to enter the world. It was a wonderful day. It feels good to be a family of 3.

The trump card

There are many things you can do to soothe a baby: hold them, bounce them, swaddle them, coo, hum, sing, rub, etc. They like being warm, so a little sunshine doesn’t hurt either, and you can give them a direct link to your body heat with skin-to-skin contact. As it turns out, they’re also very comfortable with the gurgling, swirling, muffled whoosing sounds of the womb, so they enjoy white noise, which is now as accessible as an app (no more pesky cassette tapes).

Of course, if Milo is hungry, none of those tricks are worth beans. She’ll cry until she gets fed, period.

Usually we can tell the difference, but sometimes even when we can’t, we give her the breast. And why not? It always works. But sometimes it feels like the nuclear option — like we’ve played our trump card when a pair of aces would have worked. Like we’ve cheated.

But that’s okay. She likes it.

Day Thirteen

Big Poop

I have to admit, I love it when Milo poops. It lets me know that everything is working properly - I’m doing my job (breastfeeding), and Milo is doing hers (eating, digesting, pooping). Today, we put Milo on the floor for tummy time while Michelle and Orna were here. She scooted around just a bit by pushing her tiny feet against Chase’s hands. And then she made the biggest poop ever. It leaked out of her diaper for the first time. I smiled big.

Day Twelve

Tummy time!

Learning

Chase and I are still learning about parenting, and I think it’s safe to say that we both feel a little overwhelmed at times. Yesterday, Chase and I began reading a couple of baby books about getting the little one to sleep better at night. Now, we haven’t had much trouble with Milo yet. She’s been very generous, even sleeping for 3-4 hour stretches at times. But we want to be prepared for the dreaded colic or sleep problems to come. The books are mostly on the same page, and we’re happy to find that we’re doing a lot of things right (at least according to these two authors).

Michelle and Orna came by again today and generally made life more cheerful for a while. They continue to be impressed by Milo’s growth (9lbs 3oz as of today), and they had lots of great advice for us, as always. We also talked at length about the birth and our feelings about it. It is still difficult to talk about the birth, especially when we get to the final day and our decision to have the cesarean, but ultimately we both feel confident in the decisions we made and grateful for the only outcome we cared about: our healthy girl.

Notes from today:

• We finally swaddled her in a way that she responded positively to (thanks to Michelle’s expert swaddling advice).
• I trimmed her fingernails - only one hand, though, because it was slightly terrifying.
• Tried tummy-time for the first time. Milo enjoyed it and made the biggest poop to date while inching forward on the carpet.
• Breasts are engorged again because Ms. Milo decided to drink a lot yesterday.
• Engorged breasts feel like rocks in my bra. Very weird.
• I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. Less anxiety, no more weepiness, calm. It feels good.

Day Eleven

Recovery

The recovery has been quick, actually. Well, I mean my body is healing quickly. I can already walk around and do most things around the apartment without much trouble. I haven’t attempted many stairs yet, but I think those will be fine when I eventually venture out. My incision hurts little, and my breasts have returned to a reasonably normal size, only becoming engorged now when Milo goes too long between feeding. My emotions might be leveling out - I haven’t cried since yesterday, so I call that a win. I’ve lost all of my pregnancy weight plus about 8 pounds, which is worrisome, but I’ve managed to stop the weight loss for the past few days. I’m holding steady at my current weight thanks, in part, to Three Twins Sergio Romo’s Mexican Chocolate Ice Cream and a whole lot of snacking.

Today Debbie returned to North Carolina, and Chase and I found ourselves alone again with our little girl. We’ve noticed that she doesn’t stay asleep long unless she’s being held, so we’re trying to break that habit today. Right now she’s asleep in the bassinet as Chase and I both try to catch up on the blog. Turns out, one trick to getting her to sleep is to put her in the sun. She loves the sun. We discovered this last week when Michelle suggested exposing her to the sun for about 10 minutes per day to get rid of the slight jaundice she saw in her face. Each time Chase took her outside, Milo rested calmly in his arms. I think we may need to move somewhere warmer in the future.

Solar power

At her first post-partum checkup with Michelle (our midwife), Milo appeared to have a tinge of jaundice. No big deal, Michelle said: just take her out in the sun twice a day and flip her like a burger, five minutes on each side.

Because we all begin life accustomed to the darkness of the womb, I wasn’t sure how she’d take it, but she absolutely loves it. With Milo cradled in my arms, I walked out onto our narrow back porch and leaned on the railing, tilting her just enough to expose most of her body while shielding her eyes. Almost immediately, her fidgeting subsided, her limbs hung limply at her sides, and her frantic breathing slowed to a steady, even rhythm. Even when I rolled her or the cold San Francisco wind perked up, she would tense only for a moment and then quickly relax again.

I’ve always felt recharged by the sun. When I’m at work, getting a little sunshine on my skin is my version of taking a coffee break; especially in meetings, I often perch like a cat on the ledge by the window. I’m glad Milo feels the same way.

Day Ten

The baby workout

I heard once that even after a child starts walking, their mother will often continue to bounce as she paces around her home because the habit of doing so to soothe the baby is so deeply ingrained.

I can see why. Milo likes motion just as much as any baby, and so now I find myself constantly experimenting with new ways to rock, gyrate, vibrate, and bounce. I try to mind my own comfort, so I use what aids I can; sitting on the exercise ball is particularly helpful. But in many cases I just have to mine my own strength (or lack thereof) in places like, say, my abs.

So of course I imagine the informercials: Have you tried every workout under the sun? Are you frustrated that you never have the time or discipline to get REAL results? Well now there’s a workout for just you — the Baby Workout! Get the abs you’ve always dreamed of in just three easy steps: 1. Have a baby. 2. Hold them in your arms and rock back and forth until they stop crying. 3. Repeat whenever they start crying again!

See also: bench-pressing your baby. That’s a fun one.

Day Nine

Tiny Human

Sometimes I look over at her and still find it hard to believe that I created this tiny little human. This little creature is part of me, part of Chase, and I can’t wait to find out who she’s going to become. Chase and I have talked so much about her for so many years, always wondering…

…is she going to be a nature lover?

…is she going to be inquisitive, like dad?

…is she going to love to read?

…will she be meek? daring?

Right now, it suffices to look at her little face and try to interpret all of her expressions. Those raised eyebrows and puckered lips that suggest she’s surprised by something. The furrowed brow and scrunched nose when she’s hungry and finally able to get some food - like she hasn’t eaten in days and is angry at the nipple (that one hurts). The raised eyebrows and slight smile that hint at satisfaction. I love every one of them.

You wouldn't like me when I cough

Milo rarely goes straight from sleeping to crying. It usually takes several minutes of writhing and blinking, and you know she’s just about to get loud when she starts coughing. I find this so strange, because the coughs themselves seem to upset her the most, and yet of course she wouldn’t be coughing if she weren’t upset already. It’s as if she doesn’t normally have the wherewithal to fuss, but she has the conviction, and she wills herself to cough just to give herself the adrenaline she needs to cry.

“Don’t cough!” I say. “Why would you do that??!!” I say. “You know how it upsets you.”

“You’re so masochistic,” I add.

And then she coughs again. At me, I’m pretty sure.

Day Eight

Breastfeeding &c

Still trying really hard to reel in my emotions lately. Talked to Michelle; baby blues typically last about 2 weeks, so maybe soon there will be some relief from the hormones.

Milo continues to amaze. She eats regularly, and her latch is still solid. The engorgement is going down; now, when she nurses, she can pretty much empty one of my breasts enough that it feels almost normal. The pain comes when she goes too long between feedings. But Michelle says it’s not necessary to wake her to feed her if she sleeps a long time since she’s such a good eater and is gaining so well. As of today, she has exceeded her birth weight: 8lbs 11oz. Michelle was elated, and I was pretty proud to have been able to nourish her so well.

Sleep, for Chase and me, continues to be a challenge. Milo is gracious at night, though, and often sleeps for 2 hour stretches. Sometimes a bit longer. We’ve found that skin-to-skin contact helps her fall asleep without too much fussing, so that’s what we’ve been doing: laying her on our chest until she is fully sleeping, then cradling her next to us until she wakes up hungry again. She’s a little radiator (just like her father), so I often wake up drenched in sweat. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The really hard part at night is preparing to feed her. I have to heat my breast then self-express a bit to release enough milk for her to latch properly without hurting me or frustrating herself. It takes a while, and she screams a bit, but then the milk flows easily and she is satisfied.

The deepest sleep

It has always amazed me that children can be picked up and carried somewhere without waking up. In fact, since I’ve rarely been around children in my life, I know of this phenomenon mostly by hearsay and not by direct experience.

But that’s changing! In her deepest sleep — usually right after a heavy meal — Milo acts more or less like she’s in a coma. You can pick her up, put her down, roll her over, flap her arms, and generally do any sort of ragdoll puppet theater you want. She barely raises an eyebrow.

This is very sweet and endearing. It’s also a slippery slope toward ventriloquism with an infant. But that’s okay, right?

Day Seven

Milo's Hands

When I feed her, which is pretty much all I do these days, I love looking at what she does with her hands. She is so expressive with her hands.

Sometimes, they hold my breast like it’s a bottle, gripping it either with fingertips or whole, flat fingers. The other day I found scratches on my breast from her tiny, tender fingernails.

Sometimes she fans her fingers out right next to her face, as if to say “Ta-Da! I’m eating now!” Eyebrows raised to complete the effect.

My favorite, though, is the “I can’t even bear this moment” hand - fingers flat and together, hand held right over her eyes like she’s disgusted. Or held up next to her face like she’s avoiding being recognized by someone. “Oh, God - the paparazzi again?! Ugh!”

Her fingers are long and tender, and the nails are incredibly long - have been since birth. Truth: I’m afraid to file or cut them. She doesn’t scratch herself much, though.

What I love most about Milo’s hands, though, is that sometimes she lets us hold them. Sometimes she wraps them around our fingers. Cliché as it seems, it really is a good feeling to have some part of her recognize that we’re here, that she needs us. It’s the tiniest acknowledgement at such an early age that we are connected.

Ascribing powers beyond her age

Milo is almost always eating or sleeping, but sometimes she lays awake on the bed or the couch and stares at her surroundings. We know enough about the cognitive development of children to understand that she can’t see too far in front of her, that she can’t really track objects, that she has no sense of object permanence, and so on. We know that when she seems to be staring deeply into our eyes, it may seem to her no different than staring at a wall. But we sure do like to pretend.

I sweep my finger from left to right in front of her face, and cup my mouth when I call out to her to project the sound all over the place. Most of the time her head doesn’t budge, but occasionally it does, and when by coincidence it happens to budge in the direction I intended, well…

Remember that episode of The Office where the entire staff is rooting for the bouncing DVD logo to hit exactly in the corner of the screen? And when it does, they burst out in cheers?

Yeah, it’s like that.