Another Good Day

This morning, Milo was again fussy and rather inconsolable. So we did what we do and walked around with her, bounced her on the ball, rocked her in the rocking chair. Eventually we got her to sleep a bit. Then, in the afternoon, we decided to go to another Giants game (Milo’s second). She fell asleep in the wrap (as usual), slept all the way to the park, and slept through 4 complete innings! In fact, she slept so soundly that we couldn’t have woken her up if we’d tried. After I fed her, she (amazingly) fell back asleep and stayed that way until the end of the game. Funny note: the booming voice of the cotton candy vendor was the only thing that jolted her, though she quickly fell back to sleep after he passed our section.

On a different note, we tried giving Milo a bottle again, and she flat refused to take it. We aren’t sure what the reason is, as we’ve gotten her to drink from a bottle before this. We think maybe she doesn’t like an artificial nipple, as she also refuses a pacifier. I’m going to look into other nipple-types to see if there’s something better out there. I’m going to a breastfeeding circle tomorrow, so I’m hopeful that the lactation consultant will have some advice.

Day Thirty-Seven

Beer & Bikes

Today was the Tour de Fat festival in Golden Gate Park. It’s hosted by New Belgium Brewing Company and is basically a beer and bikes festival. Chase and I went several years ago and had a lot of fun, so we decided to see if Milo would handle the outing well.

Well, Milo was a superstar once again today. I had to keep telling Chase that she truly is NEVER as good as she was today. For starters, she napped - in the bassinet - this morning. Also, she decided to eat every 2 hours today, instead of every hour like she normally does during the week. I don’t know what caused the change except that maybe Milo needs more stimulation during the day. Or maybe she needs more naps, so I should go for more walks to get her to sleep soundly. I’ll try some things out and see how it goes.

After the festival, we walked through the park and stopped to sit in the grass and enjoy the afternoon a bit more. Milo again tolerated it well, and we put her feet in the grass for the first time. She seemed to like the texture well enough. She just hung out on her little blanket and stared at everything around her. I love it when she looks around at everything. It reminds me that everything is completely new and strange to her. Imagine what it must be like to see the world for the first time! I’m glad I get to be her tour guide.

Better for everyone

We’ve made a lot of changes to the apartment to accommodate Milo. We compressed our storage, replaced some furniture, mounted some shelves, and bought all kinds of accoutrement: a crib, a swing, a bouncer, a play mat.

Though all of this is good for Milo, a lot of it’s good for us too. It never hurts to be more space efficient, it never hurts to throw out stuff you don’t need, and as you can see below, Sophie is taking full advantage.

Day Thirty-Six

Naps & Notes

It’s difficult to get Milo to nap during the day. Chase has this amazing ability to get her to sleep in the bassinet during the day. I’ve only succeeded there once. Normally, when she naps, it’s for only a few minutes, and then she startles herself awake or slowly opens those gorgeous eyes and doesn’t close them again. If I want to get her to sleep longer, I have two options: either wrap her against my chest or sleep next to her. Today, for instance, I got her to sleep in the wrap for about 45 minutes while I made myself some oatmeal and paced around the apartment. Good exercise, and she woke up refreshed! Then, later in the day, I fed her and got her to sleep right away. To keep her sleeping, I rested next to her on the sofa, and that nap lasted over an hour! Win!! I’m going to work on getting her to sleep alone during the day. It’s going to be rough, but I’m going to do my best.

Notes:

• Now that Milo is losing her hair, she has an endless forehead. So, when she furrows her brow, it wrinkles really far back on her head. Much farther than it should. And it’s adorable.
• Mom and Michelle have both encouraged us to give Milo little massages every now and then. So, I’ve been massaging her legs and feet during the day, and she loves it! It is the instant fuss stopper!
• File this one under the “things you don’t know until you have a baby”: Milo’s feet sweat. And they smell like feet. I didn’t know that babies feet could smell like, well, feet!
• When we took Milo to the ball park, we got to really look at her eyes in the sun. I still don’t know what color they’ll be later on, but that day her eyes were so blue! I think they’re going to be hazel like Chase and Dad’s eyes. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Day Thirty-Five

Crying

Now that Milo is getting a bit older, she’s really able to let out a scream. Her cries escalate so much more quickly, and she easily becomes inconsolable. We haven’t started using the pacifier yet, as we have been advised to wait until 6+ weeks so that it doesn’t interfere with breastfeeding. We’re still practicing the 5 Ss, but those don’t work 100% of the time. In fact, once Milo really gets going, the shushing and swaddling are rarely enough to bring her back to calmness.

I don’t want to make it seem like this happens all the time. It doesn’t. It happens when she’s overly tired and can’t get to sleep, so mostly at night when she’s about ready to sleep for several hours. And usually breastfeeding is enough to calm her.

But when she gets that worked up, it makes me a little emotional. And by “a little,” I mean it makes me cry and feel upset for the rest of the evening. Chase is amazing, and he tries to stick with the 5 Ss until she is soothed. This means that throughout her screaming, he keeps shushing and swaying with her. This means that I’m pacing nearby trying not to get too freaked out or start sobbing. We’re not always successful in our endeavors.

I also need to mention that I find myself fretting over every little thing. When she whimpers as she sleeps, I fret. Should I do something? Is she having a nightmare? When she seems to have difficulty with her gas or poops, I fret. Should I massage her stomach? When she breathes unevenly at night as she sleeps, I fret. Should I stay awake and listen to her? Did she stop breathing? But the crying is the worst. I ache for her when she screams the way she does. I can’t wait for the day that Milo is able to tell me what’s troubling her. What a good day that will be. Until then, I’ll be here, fretting over something, I’m sure.

Day Thirty-Four

Milo’s first ride on BART.

Travel

Dad flew out to Colorado today (on his way to visit Matthew & Stacy). It was an adventurous day! Milo actually napped this morning (!!!), in her bassinet, but it came at the wrong time. She was still asleep at noon, when Dad and I needed to head out to the airport. So we ended up getting lunch at 12:30 and leaving for the airport at 1:10.

I wrapped Milo up and carried her on my chest, and she slept soundly the entire way to the airport - that’s one bus ride, a BART ride, and an airport tram plus a decent amount of walking. What a trooper! She woke up just as I left the airport, so I fed her before getting back on BART. Then, to my delight, she was fully awake and alert on BART the whole way back to the city; she looked around at everything and even smiled a little bit!

The fun was over, however, when we got back to San Francisco. She fussed like a lion when I got on the bus home. So I got off at the next stop, adjusted the wrap, walked around until she was calmed, and got on another bus. Apparently buses were her kryptonite today, as she started wailing immediately upon entering the second bus. So, I got off at the next stop and walked around for about 30 minutes. She stayed asleep this time and I was able to get home (on the bus). What an ordeal! She was such a superstar all day, though, I couldn’t blame her for some fussing in the afternoon. My girl had a long day!

Day Thirty-Three

Day Thirty-Two

This girl is one month old today!!!

One Month

Milo is one month old today!

A month ago, when Milo was screaming and not sleeping and was totally new and when Chase and I were totally freaked out, I thought “It’ll be nice when she’s a month old and easier to deal with.” What a laugh! Not that she’s terribly hard to deal with these days, but she wasn’t terribly hard to deal with a month ago, either.

In The Wonder Weeks, it says that she should be going through her first major change soon. I’ve definitely seen some changes lately. She’s losing her baby cry, she stays awake and alert longer, and she seems to focus on things more. I still can’t really play with her, per se, but I have been talking to her a lot, and I found (with Dad’s help) that she loves it when we play with her feet and legs. I like to bicycle them and pretend she’s running a marathon. She wins every time!

Milo is amazing. Life is good.

Day Thirty-One

Milo’s first Giants game.

Family Time

Had a good little weekend so far. We spent some time at Amoeba Music yesterday; Dad bought a Simon and Garfunkel album he’d been looking for. Milo was content in the Moby wrap for a while - snug as a bug, slept the whole time. Then we went out for some burgers, where Ms. Milo decided it was time for her to eat, too. I think I’m getting used to feeding her in public.

Today, Milo experienced her first Giants game! She slept the whole way to the park but wanted to eat sometime after the 2nd inning began. I fed her, but she couldn’t be calmed in the seat. So Chase wrapped her up and walked around the park with her; she calmed right down and we all got to enjoy a very good game - Giants won!

Milo continues to give us good rest at night, and there are days when she naps well during the day, too. Sometimes, though, she just wants to be awake and look around. That’s ok, too. The times that are most trying are those days when she wants to sleep but can’t, so she remains awake and fussed. Hopefully those days will become fewer and fewer in the coming weeks.

All in all, we had some nice family time this weekend. Lots of football watching and helping Milo get some rest. It’s too bad Chase has to go back to work so soon. Tomorrow might be difficult.

The power of love

Before Milo was born, I mentioned to some parents at work that I wasn’t too concerned about having a child, because it wouldn’t be as stressful as work. One of the parents chuckled, politely suggesting that I didn’t know what I was talking about but that I would soon learn.

I’m sure I do still have plenty to learn and that there are no shortage of harrowing experiences ahead of me. Last night, for example, we got Milo to bed a few hours later than usual and she wouldn’t go to sleep until after 3am, which was pretty stressful for both of us. And I certainly don’t look forward to the day that Milo gets her arm or heart broken.

But at the end of the day, anything I go through with Misty and Milo is better and easier than anything else in my life because we do it together in love. Being with Misty is so damn good, like a bowl of ice cream or a nap in the park or your favorite song coming on the radio when you need it most. And we remember that about each other even on the bad days, and that’s why even the best days at work can’t hold a candle to being at home with Misty and Milo, no matter how tired and frazzled the three of us may be.

Day Thirty

Day Twenty-Nine

Weekend, etc.

Dad is supposed to arrive this evening, though his flights are all delayed, so we’re not sure what time he’ll actually make it in. I’m looking forward to seeing him, though, and lucky for him, the heat wave seems to be over. Today is much cooler, in the 70s, and I was actually able to wear Milo for part of the day without sweating up a storm. Hopefully Dad will enjoy the weather while here.

While Mom was here, she mentioned that Milo’s cries still sounded like newborn cries and that they’ll be changing soon. Similarly, a friend of mine who has a 1-year-old mentioned that she wish she’d recorded her daughter’s baby cries because they were so sweet and she misses hearing them. So, I’ve been recording a few of Milo’s fussing and crying sessions. Nothing too long - I don’t like for her to fuss or cry very long. But here and there, I set my phone down and turn on the voice recorder. I know I’m going to miss these little whimpers, so it’ll be nice to have something to help me remember them later on.

Oh, and today is FRIDAY! That means that Chase will get home on the early side and we will have TWO WHOLE DAYS to spend together as a family! I love weekends.

Notes:

• Milo lets me kiss her without fussing. In fact, sometimes it calms her when I kiss her cheeks. Now, I know that probably it only calms her temporarily because she mistakes anything that touches her cheeks for a nipple and, as such, think she’s going to be fed soon. Nonetheless, I love that she lets me kiss her.

• Yesterday, Milo reached out her hand and squeezed my shushing lips tightly. Now, I know that she has little to no control over her hands or arms right now, so the fact that she a) found my lips with her hand, and b) was able to grab them and squeeze was almost certainly an accident. But it made me laugh heartily. It was a belly-shaking laugh, which are too seldom these days.

First word

Misty and I both just heard Milo say her first word! It was “hi.”

Okay, so it was actually just a burst of air that passed through her windpipe in a particular way that made it sound like “hi,” probably not unlike the way certain birds mimic human speech. We don’t, in fact, have the world’s first infant who talks before she walks.

But there was still something magical about hearing that sound while we watched her face, and knowing that some day she’ll be speaking with intention — that she’ll have intention, meaning, purpose, and a whole inner world of her own, and that we get to be the first ones to explore it.

Day Twenty-Eight

We're All Adjusting

These are days of adjustments. We’re told by so many people how it’s important to establish routines, but that’s proving difficult for this little trio. Chase doesn’t have a regular work schedule, so he leaves for work anywhere between 8 and 9am and returns anywhere between 5 and 7pm, sometimes earlier or later on both ends. and Milo doesn’t have a regular eating or sleeping schedule yet. I suppose I should be working on establishing a good schedule for little miss, but it seems a bit too early for that yet.

I’m the only one who isn’t dictating what my boy or girl do during the day or night. I’m the one who just has to go with the flow and handle things as they happen. I guess that’s what being a mom is all about. It’s hard to be away from Chase after getting used to him being home for 4 weeks; as, I’m sure, it’s hard for Chase to get used to being away from Milo for the first time in her short life. It’s hard to be the sole caregiver for Milo all day long, unable to get things done around the house as I’d like. As, I’m sure, it’s hard for Chase to get home after a long day and immediately resume caregiving responsibilities for our girl. And for Milo, well, I’m sure it’s hard being a baby in some ways that I can scarcely imagine.

Today, Milo again wants to sleep on or near me constantly. I successfully swaddled her with a muslin blanket, so she’s been calmer. I was able to make lunch for myself and eat it, which I consider a win. Tonight, Chase should be home by 6pm and we’re going to go out for a burrito from our favorite food truck. Milo is still giving us good rest at night, so evenings have been calm and stress free. Still, it’s hard for a night owl like myself to adjust to a 9:30pm bedtime and a daily alarm (Milo) at 6am. I’ll survive, though.

Back on the clock

I returned to work on Tuesday, and I have way too much to get done in the next few weeks. It doesn’t help that I’ve gotten used to an anything-goes schedule; for the first few days this week it was incredibly easy to get distracted either by low-priority “fun” work or by simply reading the Internet. On Wednesday night the result was that I came home an hour later than planned. On Wednesday night the result was that when Milo woke us up at 2am, I stayed awake thinking about everything I should have already done and still needed to do.

The rub is that my time is now, more than ever, a zero-sum game. If I’m less productive at work, I get less time with Milo and Misty… or my work doesn’t live up to the standard I’d like to hold myself to. I’m hoping this will motivate me and help me prioritize and focus; maybe having a child will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to my professional life.

But being on the clock still feels alien to me, as is has felt at least since Peace Corps and as it probably will feel for the rest of my life. Can I avoid the clock entirely? Probably not, but I can still look forward to having this crunch time pass, and I can look forward (with fondness, where I think many parents feel dread) to all the times in the next few decades when Milo will bust our schedule and put us squarely on Cape Verdian time, where we belong.

Day Twenty-Seven

Growing

I wish it were easier to tell that Milo is growing. I know she is - she eats constantly and won’t fit into most of her newborn clothes. Heck, she barely fits into some of her 0-3 month clothes. But since I see her every day (nearly every moment of every day), it’s hard for me to really see the growth.

Here’s what I do notice:

• Milo can now track things very slowly with her eyes. If I shake a rattle to her left, she slowly turns her head to the left. She can’t focus on it, really, but she turns to look nonetheless.

• Milo is getting awkward to hold on my chest. For burping, she kicks my legs easily, making her body stiff and nearly butting my head, and she doesn’t fit comfortably against me the way she used to.

• Milo is losing her hair on top - it looks like a receding hairline, soon to be a horseshoe-shaped baldness, I think. She’s still cute, though.

• She still gets baby skin problems - little patches of dryness, baby acne, etc. But overall her skin is looking pretty good.

• Her head control is getting better every day. Soon, she’ll be able to hold her head up on her own!

Today, Milo and I made our first venture out of doors without Chase. Just the two of us, we went to the store one block over. It was a small outing, partially because it’s so stinking hot outside. I wrapped her up against my chest and went out, and within moments I was sweating up a storm. Poor Milo must’ve been so uncomfortable! She still went right to sleep, but still i didn’t keep her wrapped up for too long.

At home, we tried tummy time (Milo wasn’t interested); we tried massage (Milo wasn’t interested); and i successfully swaddled her and got her to sleep for more than an hour. Win.