Emotions

Milo is a little bit sick today, though she hasn’t shown any overt signs of feeling bad. She has a lot of snot in her nose, and she’s been sneezing just a bit more than usual today. Also, she hasn’t wanted to sleep very long for naps - at most 30 minutes at a time. So today has been a struggle to give her the rest that she needs in order to get better, but Chase has been my hero, as usual.

Today’s been a pretty emotional day. I woke up not feeling great, and Chase and I ended up talking a lot about what I need to make me feel better, emotionally. Ultimately, I think I realized that I need to be closer to family. Or, I need to live in a place where it’s not quite so difficult to have a baby. I love San Francisco, but some things just get so tiring here: living on the 4th floor and having to lug everything up all those stairs; not having a car and having to take a bus everywhere, which often means it takes 45 minutes to go just a few miles; having such a small space to live and play in; etc. If Chase and I were still childless, these things would be fine. But with Milo here, I just get so tired of all the hassles.

Also, I think I’m having a pretty hard time not having a life of my own now that I’m taking care of Milo full time. I do feel very grateful that Chase and I have the financial means to allow me to have a whole year with our girl. But the transition has been difficult for me. I’ve always been in school or working; I’ve always had my own life, and now my life is wholly wrapped up in Milo.

So Chase and I talked and talked about all of this, in between Milo’s fussing and naps and playtime. We didn’t come to any conclusions, but it felt good to express myself.

Milo Notes:

• We put Milo to bed at around 8pm tonight. She is going to sleep more easily these days, but still waking after just a few hours.

• Regarding sleep, I think we are soon going to have to try a variation of “cry it out,” but not until Milo is a) feeling better and b) a bit older (maybe after Thanksgiving)

• Milo loves the bath now! We had a lot of fun this evening with her; she cooed and flailed around while in the water, and we all smiled a lot. I needed that.

• The NoseFrida is the best invention ever.

Day Ninety-Nine

Sleep Troubles, Again

Now I’m paranoid that Milo is sick. Today she has seemed to have little interest in playing and was pretty expressionless for the day. I checked her temperature like a crazy person, and it was fine. No runny nose. No unusual coughing or sneezing. I’m just being paranoid, right?

I did as much playing as she’d allow, though. I helped her roll from her back to her tummy and then from her tummy to her back several times so that she will get to know the mechanics of it. She hasn’t mastered rolling over yet, but I think it’ll be soon. I also tried to get her into crawling position so that she could understand those mechanics, but she didn’t do much. Later, we read books, took a walk, and played on the floor mat. Not a bad day, except that Milo was fussed much of the time.

I should mention that last night was pure hell. She slept from about 8:30-midnight. Like idiots, Chase and I decided to stay up until 11:30 (internetting, talking, just spending time together like we did in our pre-Milo days). So of course she woke up at midnight. And then again at 1am. And then again at 2:45. And then again at 4:30. And then she woke up for the day at 6. I did get her to nap well this morning. I’m starting to think this baby sleep routine we’re doing isn’t working.

This weekend I’m determined to get her crib built so that we can start laying her in it for naps and, sometime soon, for bedtime. It makes me nervous to think of her sleeping in a different room so far away from me, but it’s gotta happen sometime. And sooner is better than later - or so I’m told. We’ll see.

Day Ninety-Eight

The Pause

This morning, Chase was kind enough to take Milo for a walk (to get the Jamba Juice that he set out for the other morning) while I slept a bit. She was up early at 6am, so this allowed her to get a short nap in, which she needed. After he got home, he set off for work, and I got Milo to take another nap (for an hour, while I slept next to her!). Great start to the day.

Later in the day, I started reading Bringing Up Bébé during Milo’s naps. She wanted to sleep lots, so I cautiously let her while getting some reading done. In this book, they talk about “the pause,” which is something French parents do without even thinking about it: when the baby cries (during sleep), they pause for 5-10 minutes before going to attend to him. During this time, the baby will learn to self-soothe, which often leads to longer sleep times. According to this book, French babies sleep through the night very early - around 3-4 months - and they view American babies’ inability to sleep through the night as very odd and even destructive to the family. Interesting.

The book also says that if you don’t do the pause regularly by the time the baby is 4 months old, you’ll have to do some version of the “cry it out” method to teach the baby to self-soothe. Milo will be 4 months very soon, so I fear that it’s too late for my girl. We’ll see.

The book also discusses putting the baby on a feeding schedule, which is an idea I’m not entirely keen on. I’ll have to read more about food schedules.

As for Ms. Milo, she’s doing better at using her hands lately. She can put her hands on more things and is intent on putting everything in her mouth. She isn’t trying quite as hard to roll over, but she does still move her body all over the place when on the floor or bed. Or just always. She’s such a strong girl!

Day Ninety-Seven

Feeling Better

Chase had to go back to work today. Which is fine since I’m feeling a lot better, thanks to the sudafed. I’m going to continue taking it today and see if it will help me kick the cold.

Last night Milo slept very well! My fever was nearly gone within a couple of hours of taking the ibuprofen (I checked at around midnight, as I woke up a lot during the night), and my sinuses were open quickly as well. So I can finally write about something other than being sick!

Lately, Milo has developed a habit of squirming so that her face is nestled in my chest or side and her feet are planted on Chase. It’s an impressive feat given that she’s still swaddled at night. She kind of inches around until she’s found me. I then move away just a little bit because I’m terrified of her suffocating with her little face pressed into my shirt like that (and she really does nestle in there), and then she eventually squirms and inches closer to me again. It’s a little dance that she and I have been doing for several nights now. Sort of sweet, but also wreaking havoc on my sleep.

Milo’s sleep is getting better, though. She’s back to sleeping at least 4 hours at a time, and she doesn’t really wake up every hour any more, which Chase and I are grateful for. I no longer need to wake up Chase in the night to help me, so that means he’s able to be more rested for work again. We all win!

Day Ninety-Six

Sick Day

Still sick.

Today, Chase graciously took the day off to help with Milo because I felt that I couldn’t possibly take good care of her given how I’m feeling. He totally freaked me out this morning, though. I woke up and fed Milo, then he took her into the living room to let me sleep. When I got out of bed at around 8:30, the house was silent and the two of them were nowhere to be found. I quickly texted him: he had taken Milo for a walk and was headed to Jamba Juice to get me a smoothie with an immunity boost. I thanked him for the sweet gesture and asked that he cancel his trip and come home, please.

Chase also cleaned up the apartment and played with Milo, which meant that I only had to feed her and get her to sleep for her naps (it’s nearly impossible for anyone else to get her to sleep these days). I was able to get some rest, which felt very nice.

At the end of the night, I found that I could barely breathe and was running a fever. Chase kindly called Kaiser’s help line and asked what kind of medications I can take that won’t affect Milo or decrease my milk supply. Then he found a 24-hour pharmacy and set out for some sudafed. This evening ended with sudafed, ibuprofen, and Inside Out while I fell asleep on the sofa. I’m hesitant to sleep in the same bed with Milo and Chase, but I think I need to in order to keep Milo sleeping through the night (she’s developed a habit of snuggling up to me during the night and often fusses if I’m too far away). Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Day Ninety-Five

sick

I’m sick. Nothing notable to write about today. I spent the day trying to entertain Milo but failing miserably because I just didn’t feel up to doing anything. My throat is sore, which has kept me quiet most of the day, so I haven’t been talking to my girl as much as I should. Milo has been fussed a lot, probably because of lack of stimulation. She took decent naps, though.

By the end of the day, I was significantly sicker than I was at the beginning. It was a sore throat, then I started sneezing and coughing. Now I’m down with a cold, complete with runny nose.

Hopefully this sickness will pass quickly.

Day Ninety-Four

Market

After sleeping in (until 8am!), Chase and I ate breakfast (cereal!) and had a really lazy morning. Milo chilled out with us, took a nice nap, ate well, and then we left for San Rafael to visit the farmer’s market there. Chase and I ate crepes, and Milo was generally fussy because she wanted sleep.

I’ve been thinking about the best way to exercise now that I have Milo, and even though I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns, I decided that running is probably the easiest option. So after the farmer’s market, we went to REI to look at running shoes. While there, we talked to and hung out a bit with D Jan (who consistently told us how big our girl is), which was really nice. I got some shoes that feel really comfy, a water bottle that will be easy to grip as I run, and some moisture-wicking socks. I plan to start Tuesday. Chase and I have decided that I can go in the mornings at around 6:30 while he watches Milo. I’ll be home in time to shower before he needs to leave for work most days. We’ll see how this goes. I hate running.

I should mention that I woke up with a sore throat this morning, and even though I hoped it would go away over the course of the day, it hasn’t. I’m really afraid of getting sick. I’m doubly afraid of getting Milo sick. I took a probiotic and have been sucking on some cough drops. Hopefully something will work.

Milo was fussed for quite a bit of the day, mostly because she wanted to sleep and couldn’t get there (because of shuffling in and out of the car and in and out of the carrier).

Notes:

• Milo did not poop well today, so her belly is HUGE this evening. This means I’m in for some serious poops tomorrow.

• Chase and I spent quite a bit of quality time together this weekend, and it was the best. It makes me wish we had freelance jobs or careers that were more flexible.

• Bedtime routine went well tonight; Milo fell asleep without too much trouble and hasn’t woken yet.

• Our girl still refuses the bottle. Tonight she chewed on it again, but no sucking and much fussiness when we persisted. We will keep trying.

Day Ninety-Three

This girl is THREE months old today!!!

Wandering

I had a pretty lazy morning. Chase has been making an amazing and selfless effort to help me catch up on sleep in the mornings, so this morning he took Milo out of bed and let me get an extra 30 minutes. I didn’t even hear them leave the room! He’s so good to me. After waking, we went to get doughnuts from Bob’s. Milo has gotten to be pretty good in the car of late, but this morning she wasn’t really feeling it. I finally got her to take the pacifier, and she dozed off on the way home.

Later in the day, Chase and I decided to go donate Legos to Ai Weiwei at Fort Mason, and on the way we picked up lunch and walked around Union Square just a bit. While we were at Fort Mason, we stumbled upon a craft market and walked around there quite a while. Through all the walking, Milo got a 2-hour nap! She was fussed on the way home, but she calmed down eventually and then napped again after we got home.

Normally, I pump breast milk in the middle of the night since that’s when I seem to have an overabundance. However, since Milo hasn’t been getting great sleep at night for the past couple of weeks, and has been eating up that abundance of milk, I haven’t been able to pump. Yesterday I was able to pump twice, so we finally had some milk in the fridge. Tonight, we decided to try and give her a bottle again. It didn’t work out (lots of crying to the point of hyperventilating, and finally she at least chewed on the nipple as I held her), but we’re going to keep trying as long as I’m able to pump. It’ll be good for Chase to be able to feed her now and then. For all of us.

Notes:

• Milo is a pretty loud baby. Yesterday at the sign language class, she wanted to eat when we got there. Surrounded by other parents and babies, Milo’s eating was the loudest thing in the room. Other babies ate quietly, but not my girl. Also, the other night when Chase and I were watching a show, Milo was laying on the sofa cooing and vocalizing. She was so loud that we couldn’t hear the show!

• Milo is also becoming very strong. Now that she’s more in control of her body, she squirms constantly. She’s always trying to turn over or scoot down or move away or just go somewhere! She’s going to be crawling before we know it, and then there’ll be no controlling her!

Hilltop

Today I skipped work to join Misty for a sign language class in the morning and a postpartum massage in the afternoon. While those two appointments were our fixtures, we rounded out the day with a bunch of other indulgences: breakfast at Brenda’s in the morning (delicious shrimp and goat cheese omelette), lunch at Burgermeister, dinner from a falafel/shawarma joint, and dessert-in-a-cup from Bi-Rite. All day long we kept marveling that it was only Friday and we still had the whole weekend to spend together.

And passers-by marveled at Milo, who spent most of the day against my chest in the ergo carrier and who appreciated either the novelty or the comfort of my touch enough that she didn’t fuss too much. She was mostly awake and observant. She even let me eat my breakfast in peace, not minding one bit that I dropped biscuit crumbs on her (they rolled under her butt and she happily ground them into the ergo).

The sign language class was a blast. We weren’t even sure when it started, because our instructor, Bill White, flowed so effortlessly between chit-chat and playing with whichever baby happened to crawl nearby and casually showing us signs and singing songs. The class promised to teach us 20 signs, but he showed us three times that many, immersing us in the deep end the way you really should learn any language. Misty immediately signed up for a six-session follow-up series of classes, which I am jealous to say I mostly won’t be able to attend. But still. Even one was fun.

Of all the other great moments today, the one I may have loved most was my walk with Milo. I was watching her while Misty got a massage, and though she was well-fed, we’d worn her out, and she needed to sleep. She couldn’t do that while I was sitting down, so I put her in the carrier (buckled it behind my back without help — yessssss!), left the office, and started walking. It was a nice day out, so I decided to find the nearest park on a map. It just so happened to be on the top of a very high hill (this being San Francisco), but we took it slowly, and I hummed and bounced, and wee weary Milo looked around. After one staircase, and then another that I feared might be public property, we finally reached the summit of the Castro-Duncan Open Space:

Ruining my romanticized vision of the moment (as children are perhaps wont to do), Milo cried, and I had to keep moving instead of lingering to watch the colors fade. Apparently she didn’t appreciate the fact that she was still awake. But she liked my downhill rhythm, and she was soon asleep after that, and stayed asleep for the next hour or so while I made my way past the hillside homes, into the valley, and back and forth along the warmly-lit shops on 24th St. Once or twice I lifted one of her limp arms and let it drop back down to her side, and I couldn’t tell which of us was more content.

Day Ninety-Two

Out and About

So much to write about today!

• Chase took the day off, so we went to breakfast at one of our favorite spots - this is after Chase let me sleep in a bit! What a guy! I even got to shower and shave today!

• After breakfast, Chase and I attended an infant sign language class, which was AMAZING! We learned 67 signs in just 90 minutes, and Chase and I have been practicing all afternoon. We signed up for an infant sign language series, which will begin in January. Milo is going to be an even bigger genius soon!

• Next, we had some pie and walked around the Mission district just a bit. It took some time to get back to our neighborhood, and when we did, Milo was sleeping. So we decided to get some lunch instead of coming straight home. Of course, Milo woke up at literally the exact moment our food came out. But I’ve kind of mastered eating with one hand while feeding her. So, no problem.

• Milo didn’t have good naps most of the day, so when we got home, Chase spent a good amount of time trying to get her to go to sleep before we set out again. Milo didn’t like that plan. She did not nap while we were at the apartment.

• After the no-nap fiasco, Chase and I went to Noe Valley so that I could get a Mayan abdominal massage, which Michelle recommended I get at 12+ weeks postpartum. It was absolute heaven!! I’ve never had any kind of massage before, so it was a special treat any way you look at it. The purpose of the abdominal massage is to help my uterus heal properly after the surgery and ensure that there isn’t too much scar tissue and the muscles are coming back together well, etc. It was so nice, I actually fell asleep for a brief moment. Holy crap, did I feel relaxed! And I learned how to massage my own stomach so I can help myself heal.

• Tonight, we got home a bit late, sold our baby swing (Milo rarely uses it anyway), had some dinner and dessert, and Milo was in bed by 8:30 (woke up once already). I’ve read that sleep begets sleep, and when a baby doesn’t sleep during the day, that means she’ll be awake at night. But I’m hoping that Milo’s lack of sleep today will mean she’s extra, super tired tonight, which will lead to more sleep! We’ll see.

Day Ninety-One

Grabbing

The days sort of run together sometimes. When Chase and I talk about our days, I often don’t have anything to report: Milo and I hung out, she napped, I tried to do stuff, we went out, etc. Today was one of those days that nothing much happened. We went to Target; Milo took decent naps, I read a chapter in a book, I washed dishes. Not much to talk about, really.

The one exciting thing that happened today is that Milo grabbed something…on purpose! She was laying on her play mat (it’s one of these), and I noticed that she had her hand on the dangling elephant. Then I noticed that she was looking at it. Then I noticed that she was repeatedly putting her hand on it and grabbing it while she looked at it. I got so excited and texted something incredibly articulate like “Holy shit!” to Chase with a photo. So, for the rest of the day, I practiced putting stuff in front of her to see if she would grab it. She mostly only shoved things into her face, which is sort of like grabbing.

This evening’s bedtime routine went well. Milo was out by 9pm (edit: woke up at 9:40 and was difficult to get down again.). We’ll see if she sleeps better tonight. So far it’s the same: sleep for 4 hours, then up every 2 hours and awake for good at around 6:30am. This morning I cheated and held her from 6:30-7:30 so that Chase and I could get more rest. I know that kind of inconsistency isn’t good for her learning to self-soothe, but I can’t help it sometimes. I like holding her. And I like sleeping.

Day Ninety

Two lists

Things I always intend to write about but never do:

• Milo loves looking at my hands. I put them in front of her often so that she can look at them. When she was smaller, Chase and I would just kind of move our fingers really slowly and she was mesmerized. Now, I mimic grabbing things very slowly, or sometimes I interlace my fingers and wiggle them so that she can see how hands work. She’s still amazed by them. The difference these days is that she knows how to put her hands on mine and shove them toward her face. She drools on me and sucks on whatever she manages to get in her mouth.

• Milo’s a pretty big girl, and her growth hasn’t slowed down yet. As of now, she’s wearing 3-6 month clothing. Her 3-month clothes stopped fitting a few weeks ago. I’m wondering how long she’ll be in this size.

• I’m not sure how she’ll turn out, but right now Milo seems to have Chase’s body type: a long torso and shorter legs. Every time I put pants on her, they’re way too long. And some of her onesies are hard to snap at the bottom.

Today:

• I’m exhausted; Milo has still been waking up a lot at night, so it’s been pretty hard to be awake and energized during the day. One bright spot: I napped with Milo for 90 minutes this morning after Chase left for work.

• For Milo’s bedtime routine, we’re trying out more of the book’s recommendations. Tonight it was more feeding closer to bed time. We also got a sound machine that is supposed to be the best and highest recommended. Milo did not go to sleep easily this evening, so we’ll see how this all works.

• When Chase got home tonight, Milo watched him very closely. She followed him with her eyes and stayed pretty silent as he walked around. It was neat.

• Every day, I try to keep Milo busy and stimulated. There are a good amount of things I try: reading books, putting things in front of her while she’s doing tummy time, stacking blocks and knocking them over in front of her, sitting her up in her floor seat, trying to get her to reach for things while sitting in her vibrating chair, rocking in the rocking chair, going out and looking at things, playing on the play mat, etc. Today, though, I felt like I ran out of ideas. I don’t like to do the same things every day, and today everything felt like I’d just done it, so maybe neither of us would be interested. Anyway, it was pretty boring.

Day Eighty-Nine

Rolling

Milo is a mover and a shaker! She’s so alive these days! Today she made more strides in her attempts to roll over. When sitting in her brown, vibrating rocking chair, she twists and turns so much that she can nearly spill herself right out of it! Until now, we hadn’t been using the harness because she never tried to get out of it. Those days are over! I adjusted the straps this evening so that she can sit safely from now on.

As well, when I was diapering her, she twisted and turned and nearly got away from me, which is the first time she’s done that. She also twisted repeatedly when lying on her play mat. This girl is going to be rolling all over the place soon!

Also today, Milo seemed to begin trying to mimic my mouth movements. It’s the first time I noticed this, so I’m not entirely convinced that that’s what she’s actually doing. But as I sang to her, she stared intently at my mouth. Then I noticed that she was moving her mouth slightly. So, I started exaggerating my mouth movements and singing more slowly so that she could get a good look. Later, I stuck out my tongue and watched as she began to stick hers out slightly. My girl is a genius.

Oh, and she had another blowout diaper today. Yellow poop all over her cute outfit. And my pants. And my hand. Good job, Milo.

Notes on sleep:

• Milo’s sleep last night was par for the course; she woke at 10:30pm to eat, then slept until 2am. Woke again at 4am and 6am.

• Tonight’s bedtime routine went well; still having trouble with the wake-and-sleep method (where I wake her after laying her down so that she can comfort herself back to sleep).

Day Eighty-Eight