Bumbo

Milo was up and ready to start the day at 6:45 this morning. Last night, she woke up twice, which is once more than normal. Not bad considering it was her first time sleeping with both arms out. She seemed to like it a lot, so I’m going to try letting her nap arms-out, as well.

Today was a long work day for Chase, so Milo and I spent basically all day together, just the two of us. I did a lot of watching and talking to my girl as she played on the floor and rolled around on the bed while I was right next to her. I try not to put her in the exersaucer too much because, like walkers, I think it can be bad for her leg development. But she did do a little bit of playing there. I also trimmed her fingernails again, which I still really hate doing.

For our outing today, we went down to Divisadero and walked around a bit. I tried the front-facing position in the Ergo, and I think she liked it. It’s hard to tell because she was pretty tired when we went out, but she looked around at everything and didn’t have me to get in the way of her view. She could see all around! I’m going to experiment with this more often now that she has great head control and is more sturdy.

Tonight, Milo had a very late nap, which I had to wake her up from at 7pm. After that, I spent a lot of time with her on the floor playing to try and tire her out for bed. We played hard tonight; I sat her in the Bumbo and put all sorts of toys on her tray, which she swatted at, tried to grab, and slobbered all over. It was so exciting to see her excited to play with new things! Her favorites were the activity balls, which are just big enough for her to grab with one hand.

Anyway, because of the late nap, we didn’t start bedtime routine until 8:30, which is way later than normal. It took some doing, but she went to sleep before 9pm, and Chase got home shortly thereafter.

Notes:

• Milo has enough hair now that it doesn’t stand up on its own. It lays more flat now. I’ve got to admit, I’m a little disappointed by this. I loved that her hair stood up!

• She is now really good at propping herself up on her arms while on her tummy. I tried helping her onto her hands and knees, but no dice; she got really fussed when we did that. I’ll keep trying to help her out, though.

Day One Hundred and Forty-Six

Those Eyes

Milo, Chase and I stepped out this morning to see (my) doctor for a check up. While we were out, many people stopped and marveled at Milo’s cuteness, and more than one person remarked on her beautiful eyes, specifically. At this point, we still can’t get a read on Milo’s eye color. Today I looked and looked at them while we were out in good light, and while they still look mostly gray, I see more brown at the top of her right iris. As of yet, I haven’t been able to get a great picture of them, either, but I’ll keep trying.

As for the rest of the day, it went by pretty quickly. I think Milo’s going through a growth spurt because she slept a lot. She didn’t wake up until 8:08 this morning (as compared to 6:30 yesterday), and she took 2 2-hour naps today. I even had to wake her up from the second so that she didn’t sleep too long and interfere with this evening’s rest.

When she was awake, she basically rolled around and chewed on anything she could find. She has finally started to love tags on things, and she chewed on the tags on the play mat and the exersaucer. This evening, she hadn’t pooped all day and her belly was looking huge, so we put her in the vibrating chair at around 7pm and it worked its magic by 7:30. Relief!

For bed tonight, we’re moving on to the next step in phasing out the swaddling. Here’s how it’s supposed to go:

1. Loosen the swaddle. We accomplished this by ceasing to use the swaddle blankets and beginning to use swaddlers, which can’t be wrapped as tightly.

2. Take one arm out of the swaddle. We have been on this step for quite some time due to being away from home for the holidays and not wanting to introduce something drastically different while she wasn’t in her home environment.

3. Take both arms out of the swaddle. This is where we are tonight. So far, she went down easily and didn’t seem too disturbed by having both arms free. We’ll see how it goes for the rest of the night.

4. Remove the swaddle altogether and replace with a sleep sack. Our sleep sacks are ready to go, so if Milo responds well to step 3, we can move on pretty quickly.

Notes:

• Milo still has a small diaper rash. I’m concerned that it’s taking so long to go away, but her doctor said that it may be chronic. We just keep slathering on the diaper cream in hopes that it will magically make the rash disappear. At least Milo doesn’t seem bothered by it.

• We’ve been supporting Milo while she stands lately to help strengthen her legs, and she loves it. Tonight, as she stood on Chase’s lap, he encouraged her to take steps, and she was very good at it! She moved left-right left-right, like a pro.

• Tonight, Chase and I listed some of Milo’s old clothes on Craigslist. It’s hard to part with them, but I’m doing my best not to be sentimental about things like that. We can’t possibly hold on to them, and it sure does feel good to purge! Let’s hope someone is interested in buying.

Day One Hundred and Forty-Five

Looking at Milo

Rainy day. Milo and I stayed in most of the day, though we did venture out to pick up groceries for dinner. I attempted to use our new slow cooker to make a chicken and pearl barley recipe, but the cook time was wrong, so by the time a few hours had elapsed, the chicken was still quite raw. So, we opted for some Mexican food from Street Taco instead, which Chase was kind enough to go pick up.

During Milo’s naps today, I realized why (I think) she’s been taking such short naps. When I put her down at night, she quickly flips to her tummy and sleeps soundly, but for naps, she’d been staying on her back and waking after 30 minutes or so. Today, she flipped to her tummy during her naps and slept for a bit longer each time.

I spent a lot of time today just looking at Milo. I’m still very aware that my time with her as an infant is incredibly limited. I think about it all the time. Soon, I won’t be able to hold her in my arms all the time. Someday, probably before I’m ready, I won’t be able to nurse her anymore. Very soon she’ll be more mobile and will move away from me, so I won’t be able to just lay her down and look at her. So today, whenever I got a chance, I just looked at my girl. I looked at her while she slept. I looked at her while she played. I held her hand and kissed her feet and raspberried her tummy and just enjoyed every moment of her tinyness.

This evening, as Chase and I stayed up pretty late talking about the future and how we hope things work out, I still had the overwhelming urge to go pick up and hold my girl. I resisted. We even let her cry a bit when she woke up at around 10pm, and she fell back to sleep within a few minutes. But I so wanted to just go in and look at her some more and hold her while she’ll still lets me.

Notes:

• Milo is very good at grabbing her feet now, and she loves sticking them in her mouth.

• She rolled all over today, ending up so far from where I placed her. She still gets loud and kind of fussy when on her tummy for too long, though now I think it’s more out of frustration at trying to crawl and not quite being able to.

• More liquidy poop today, as she’s had for the past few days. It got everywhere.

The one thing that really won't happen again

I went back to work yesterday, so after two weeks of spending nearly every waking hour with Misty and Milo, I had to be apart from them for most of the day. And it will happen again today, and tomorrow, and two more days this week, and another five days every week for the foreseeable future.

Ever since Milo was born, we’ve had parents telling us things like “don’t blink” and “cherish these moments,” and we know we should, and we’ve been doing our best. Misty in particular has kept up incredibly well with writing for this blog, so that even if we can never relive what’s happening now, we can at least remember it. I haven’t kept up so well with writing or with reading what Misty writes, and so that leaves me with only my memory, which is terrible. Just last night, Misty was reminiscing about how Milo was once — in the first few weeks — so small and so immobile that we could lay her whole body down to rest atop a pillow. It sounds plausible, but I don’t remember that. And that hurts a little.

I’m not even experiencing as much as I’d like, because for the relatively small subset of Milo’s waking hours that I’m home, I don’t fixate on her. Instead I fall back to the habits I had before she was born; I’m drawn to spend time in the ways I always have. I don’t want to give anything up. First and foremost, I don’t want to touch or kiss or talk to or laugh with Misty any less. This is a big one; I constantly catch myself (or Misty catches me) lingering on her for another joke, or another kiss, or just to have a bit more adult conversation, when I could be sitting with Milo and training her to laugh at my jokes, or at least watching her roll over or grab things just a bit better than she did the day before.

But I also don’t want to give up doing an excellent job at Goodreads. Or reading books, or the news. Or doing my own bicycle maintenance. Or wasting time on the Internet. Or trying new recipes. And in fact, I want more time for those things; I want to do a better job at Goodreads, I want to read more books, I want to try more adventurous and healthful recipes. I want to volunteer. I want to keep in touch with old friends. I want to work on side projects. I want to write.

Movies have been a particular challenge because I used to see them all the time with Misty; they were a blissful combination of two things I loved. Now we can’t go. We tried with The Martian, but Milo wouldn’t stay settled, and we doubt our luck would be any better with a longer movie like The Force Awakens. The latest tug on my heartstrings is The Hateful Eight, which is being screened in 70mm film for a limited time in a limited number of theaters. I’m a bit of a film geek, so I really want to go, even if I go alone. But I have to pay for it: either I lose four hours with Milo and Misty, or I take time off from work and get behind, or I go at 11pm and lose precious sleep. It’s a zero-sum game.

Eventually I’ll realize the obvious, which is that none of these engagements — film screenings, professional excellence, magic moments with Misty — are as limited as Milo’s infancy, and in most cases I gotta go with the one thing that really won’t happen again.

Day One Hundred and Forty-Four

Back to Business

Monday after vacation is always hard. I really didn’t want Chase to go back to work. We’ve often talked about how it would be great to have some kind of freelance careers or own a business so that we could spend all of our time together. That’s not going to happen, though, so we just have to deal with weekday separation.

Not much action today on the home front. Milo and I played a bit and went to the store. Milo seemed to enjoy being in the Ergo again, and she looked around at everything while we walked. She was mildly fussed much of the afternoon, so I spent a good amount of time trying to make her smile. Everyone seems to agree that she’s teething, and although I haven’t seen any swollen gums or excessive slobbering, she does chew on everything she can get her hands on. I can’t wait to see a little tooth break through!

This evening, Milo refused to have her regular nap, so she was ready for bed pretty early. After we put her in her crib, Chase and I resumed our watching of Star Wars, which will hopefully be through by the end of the week.

Notes:

• Milo no longer has long stints of sleep in the carrier. She sleeps a maximum of 30 minutes, and then she’s alert and eager to look at her surroundings.

• She looks up very high when I’m carrying the umbrella, and I wish I could snap a photo to capture her expression of wonder.

• Now that Milo’s hair is coming in more, it seems darker. When it first started growing back, everyone remarked on how light it was. Now, though, it seems like it’s a dark brown. I have a feeling that when it really comes in, she’s going to look quite different.

• My sweet girl and I laid together on the bed and talked a while tonight, and she just looked at me and smiled and smiled. She chewed on my necklace, reached for my shirt, and cooed happily. I loved every second of it, and I hope to hang on to that memory for a long time to come.

Day One Hundred and Forty-Three

Cereal

Chase’s last day of vacation before going back to work was pretty lazy and wonderful. Milo slept until 7:30, which I think means that she’s already back to her California schedule. We had some breakfast, went to Sunset to get second breakfast at Arizmendi Bakery and pick up some used baby clothes from a Craigslist seller. Then after a quick stop at Whole Foods, we came home and stayed here for the remainder of the day.

Chase sucked me into the Star Wars prequel trilogy, so we’re working on Attack of the Clones as I type, and Milo was playful and energetic much of the day. She did have 4 short naps (instead of the usual 3) and wanted to go to sleep a bit early tonight (she was down by 8:15 instead of the usual 8:30-45).

When I went to the “Introducing Solids” class a few weeks ago, they told us that two surefire signs that a baby is ready for cereal are when she stops pushing things out of her mouth with her tongue, and when she watches closely when others around her are eating. Milo has been giving us her undivided attention when we eat (she even watches silently), which is the last of the two signs she needed. So today we made a small amount of oatmeal cereal and Chase fed her with his finger. She was very interested, though we weren’t sure whether she was really interested in the food or just Chase’s fingers. I think we’re going to slowly start giving her more oatmeal cereal as a precursor to pureed foods, which will come in February, probably.

Notes:

• Milo rested her head on my shoulder briefly, and for the first time, it wasn’t because she was falling asleep or because her head was getting too heavy. I loved it.

• Milo continues to watch my mouth when we sing to her at night. She reached for my face again tonight, so I leaned in just close enough for her to reach me, and again she didn’t squeeze my mouth or scratch me. I think she just wanted to touch me.

• Our girl is getting really good at reaching for things. She reaches out for everything and is usually very successful at grabbing her target.

Day One Hundred and Forty-Two

Home

Milo had a rough night, as we expected. She woke when we landed at the airport and stayed awake until we got home. Then we went through the bedtime routine, and she went down pretty easily. She woke a couple of times and was up for the day at 6:30am. We felt pretty good about that, though, as we’d kind of expected her to rise at 5am (since she’s been waking at 7-7:30am in Texas). So, during her first (short) nap this morning, I took the opportunity to nap. Then, Chase being the amazing person that he is, I was able to extend the nap while he watched Milo for a while.

Today was a pretty slow day at the apartment. We did some grocery shopping, Milo played on her play mat and in her exersaucer a bit, Chase took Sophie back to the vet for a checkup, Milo had a few naps (though none were great), and we made some easy vegetables for supper.

This evening, we had some fun with Milo on the sofa, giving her toys and imitating a Mickey Mouse voice while trying to get her to play with the new Mickey toy Dad gave her. She wasn’t really interested tonight, probably because of the horrible voices we were doing. But we had fun. We also gave our girl a bath, which was overdue. She splashed and splashed! I think Chase and I have just as much fun as she does when we bathe her. She’s so joyous!

Notes:

• Milo’s legs are strong!! Before we left for the holidays, I often tried to get Milo to stand on my lap while I supported her, but her knees would always buckle after about 2 seconds. Now, she stands and stands while I hold her! And in her exersaucer today, she stood well, not leaning on the side like she did before.

• Milo actively reaches for things now. Before, she kind of reached but didn’t seem to be reaching for anything in particular. Now, she actively tries to grab things and bring them to her mouth. For instance, she loves to grab the camelbak when we’re drinking from it. (I let her put her mouth on the mouthpiece sometimes, but she hasn’t figured out how to drink from it just yet.) Tonight, when we were singing for bedtime routine, she stared at me and tried to touch and grab my face the whole time I was singing.

• Something I don’t want to forget: I still love it when Milo reaches out while nursing. Most of the time, she nurses with her eyes closed and waves her free hand around until it lands on something. Usually it lands on my shirt, which she grabs and tugs around and around. Sometimes it lands on my mouth, and she squeezes. I just love that little hand.

Day One Hundred and Forty-One

Holidays, Day Fourteen

Another lazy day today. We spent a good portion of the day watching The Jinx with Mom and Stacy. I napped during part of it because Milo kept us awake some of the night, inexplicably. She woke up 3 times, which is the first time she’s done that in a while. Each time, I fed her and she drifted off again pretty easily. Chase and I are hoping this is just a one time thing and she’ll go back to being our good sleeper tonight.

Since it’s our last day in Rockport, I spent a good portion of the day feeling a bit melancholy. It’s never easy saying goodbye to everyone, especially Mom. However, it’s nice to know that by next Christmas, my little family will be living in Austin, so the goodbyes won’t be so difficult.

Milo didn’t nap very well today, so we’re hoping that she does well on the flights tonight. We leave Corpus at 7:30pm and arrive in San Francisco at around 11:45pm PST. I know that the flights will disrupt Milo’s sleep a bit, but hopefully we can get her back to sleep once we arrive at the apartment.

By the end of this trip, Milo seems to recognize Mom and smile at her the way she does with me and Chase, which is nice. By the time we come back to Texas, Milo won’t really know anyone, but hopefully she’ll continue to be the gregarious girl she is now and will eagerly play with everyone.

Notes:

• Milo is laughing more and more, especially when Mom tickles her underarms and neck.

• Rolling over is a cinch, and my girl rolled all over the floor this afternoon. She still gets a bit fussed if she stays on her tummy too long, and she still only rolls to her right side.

Day One Hundred and Forty

Holidays, Day Thirteen

On our penultimate day of vacation, we did some last-minute things to prepare for departure: visiting family who we hadn’t yet been able to see, mailing gifts back to San Francisco, and running various errands. Milo was great during all of our outings, which made everything easier.

This evening, Mom made a pot of beans and we stayed in where it was warm. It being New Year’s Eve, Chase and I tried our best to stay awake until midnight, but no dice. We turned in at around 11:30 after watching about half of the first episode of The Jinx.

Notes:

• I’m having so much less anxiety about leaving Milo with someone while Chase and I step away. Tonight, we went to visit with Steven & Fam. after we put Milo down for the night. I thought about her the whole time we were away, but I wasn’t totally panicked.

Day One Hundred and Thirty-Nine

Holidays, Day Twelve

Milo tried hard to break her poop record today, but she didn’t quite make it. She had three big poops (that soiled 3 different outfits), and still had a pretty big belly after that.

After a pretty lazy morning and a short nap, we headed out to George West to see Noelle (hereafter referred to as Aunt Nini) and Robin. Milo had a brief nap on the road and was otherwise pretty happy and playful. At Robin’s, she was super active! She rolled all over the place, tried like heck to crawl, and even let out a few chuckles.

The ride home wasn’t very fun. Milo really doesn’t like to be in the car when it’s dark out, so I spent the better part of an hour singing to her in the back seat. I sang, I turned on my phone’s flashlight, I let her chomp on my fingers, I stroked her head, and I sang more. Each time I changed it up, she quieted down for a short time. All together, she didn’t get super fussed, but it took a lot of effort. Once home, we spent some time with Momers before putting our girl to sleep for the night.

Notes:

• Milo has been doing this thing with her tongue, almost like clicking but without the sound. She sticks her tongue to the roof of her mouth and then releases it, and then she does it over and over.

Day One Hundred and Thirty-Eight

Tamales

Tamale day. Everyone came over to Mom’s house to help spread masa and roll up tamales. We started early to get the masa seasoned and mixed just right, and the meat was finished last night so it just needed to be reheated. The masa spreading lasted well into the afternoon, and the tamales were finally finished cooking by around 5pm. All told, it was about 34 dozen, which isn’t bad for a “small batch”.

It was also really great to see the whole family come together, with the exception of Austin and Ali, unfortunately. Almost everyone contributed at least a little bit to making the tamales, which made it all so much better when it came time to break open the first couple of dozens when the job is done. And of course the taste was just delicious.

As for Milo, she was great all day. She didn’t get too fussed when she got tired, and she spent at least a little time with everyone. She did get somewhat fussed when we put her down on the carpet to roll around this evening; probably a result of being held all day. But she did have a pretty big poop when she laid on her tummy, so I was happy about that.

Also, I had a lot of fun with Olivia this evening while Chase was away at the movies with all of the bigger kids (watching Star Wars). She showed me how good she is at writing her letters, and she even made up a little song for Milo when she began fussing. What a sweet girl.

Notes:

• Dad made Milo laugh by tickling her underarms. He also got her to put her feet in her mouth for the first time, so she continued to try and get to them all afternoon.

• Mom successfully engaged Milo in peekaboo today and made her smile big.

• Milo has been sleeping very well these days. She’s been sleeping 11+ hours at night pretty consistently. A couple of nights, she woke for one feeding at around 1 or 2am, but mostly she just sleeps and sleeps, and Chase and I are loving it. Of course, it does make me miss her like crazy because I’m not getting my Milo time. But it’s good for her, so I find great comfort knowing that she’s getting what she needs.

Day One Hundred and Thirty-Seven

Holidays, Day Ten

I’m getting better at leaving the house without Milo. Since we got to Rockport, Chase and I have gone to the store several times while Milo stayed at home with Mom, and I am having a little less anxiety about it each time. Today, Chase and I were away from her for more than an hour while running errands, and I didn’t feel like we needed to rush back. Now, each time we’ve left her, she’s been napping. I think it’s going to be a bit more time before I can leave her with someone while she’s awake. Baby steps.

Another new development is that Mom discovered that Milo is ticklish in her underarms! Mom was playing with her on the sofa this morning and noticed that Milo laughed each time she tickled her underarms. We were all pretty excited.

As for the day, it started out very sweet: after watching Dear Zachary last night, I was eager to get my hands on that girl this morning. So as soon as I heard her making some noise this morning, I rushed to get her into the bed. I fed her, we played a bit, and then she fell asleep in Chase’s arms and slept for an extra 30 minutes or so. I woke up and saw them, and my heart melted. It was another of those moments that felt exactly like happiness.

The rest of the day was spent at Mom’s again, though we did get to see Dad a few times. Mom got started cooking the meat for tamales, which we’ll put together tomorrow. Much of our time was devoted to cooking and cutting meat and cooking supper for everyone. It’s quite a job cooking a meal for more than 2 people.

Milo had a super poop this afternoon, which I was relieved about since she didn’t poop yesterday. I think she was relieved, too. She also seemed a little fussed for part of the day, so I ended up nursing her more than normal.

This evening, I nursed my girl before bed, and I held onto her for a bit longer than I usually do; it’s just so comforting to hold her close to me for a few minutes. I remind myself every day that sometime not so long from now, my girl won’t be small enough to hold this way, or she won’t want me to hold her this way. And I hold her a bit closer for just a bit longer, and I rest my head against hers, and I rub her little back and feel her chest against mine, and I just love and love and love as much and as hard as I can in those tiny moments. And I hold on tight to that feeling as I lay her down for the night, knowing she’ll be so far away from me for so long.

Notes:

• I’m not sure when it happened, but Milo has been rubbing her eyes when she gets sleepy. I think it’s been maybe 2 weeks. It’s so nice to have such a concrete message that she’s ready for a nap or bed.

• Milo seems to be connecting with us a lot more these days. It’s like she knows we’re her parents and she smiles and responds to us so much more than other people. Still outgoing and charming, she smiles and is pleasant with everyone, but it’s clear that we’re her parents when she sees us.

Cartoon fatigue

To prevent babies from getting over-tired and fussy, you’re supposed to watch for telltale signs of fatigue: slow movements, droopy eyes, etc. The sign I love the most is eye-rubbing. Adults will rub the corners of their eyes with a lone finger or two to clear away eye gunk, or to gently massage the skin.

But babies! For babies, eye-rubbing is a full two-fisted affair, just like in cartoons. The way you might mime fatigue in an improv troupe, or while playing Pictionary — that’s just the way babies do it.

Day One Hundred and Thirty-Six

Holidays, Day Nine

Super lazy, lazy day today. Weather got cold, and we stayed indoors much of the day. Our big outing was to Walmart, and Milo fell asleep in the car on the way home, so we kept driving for just a little while so she could get some rest. Because she didn’t have great naps during the day, Milo was completely exhausted by around 7:20pm. She kept trucking until 8pm, though, and went right to sleep when we began our bedtime routine.

After Milo went to sleep, we watched Dear Zachary, which always makes me cry and cry. After watching that movie, I had an overwhelming urge to hold my baby close and breathe her in. But she was sleeping, so I settled for a hand on her back, feeling her gentle breaths move through her body. That was enough for the moment.

Notes:

• Tonight, we put Milo in her new seat, which has mesh on either side of her head. Chase and I got on either side of the chair and talked, one at a time. Milo turned to look at each of us when we spoke, which is something she hasn’t really done before. It was fun.

• I made Milo laugh tonight by kissing and making funny sounds near her neck. I can’t express quite how much joy I get out of hearing her laugh. It’s magical.