Lucky

misty  ·  Fri, Oct 9, 2015

Motherhood is something I never really thought I’d experience. I always figured I’d be the aunt but not a mom. I’d eliminated the possibility. I always thought pregnancy was something alien and uncomfortable. To have a little human growing inside of you - who would ever want that?

And then I met Chase.

Now, I feel very lucky to have had the experience of pregnancy. It is alien and weird sometimes, it caused constipation and sickness, I got stretch marks and had to pee constantly, etc. But it also gave me a confidence in my body that I’ve never felt before. As a pregnant woman, I felt strong, healthy, dare I say sexy. Pregnancy gave me the chance to feel my baby move and know that she was alive because I’m alive; she existed in me. I felt kicks and hiccups and stretches and turns. I fretted when I didn’t feel her move. I photographed my growing belly and loved, loved, loved every inch of it.

Now that she’s here, I spend nearly all of my time with her. When I feed her and she stares up at me with those dark gray eyes, I know that in her 8 short weeks, this girl has changed my life forever. My body is scarred and saggy, and I still feel beautiful. I think about the relationship I have with my mother and smile, knowing that someday I have the chance to have that again with my girl.

I’m always afraid that something will go wrong; I dread the day we have to take Milo to the hospital. I know she’s going to fall from trees and scrape her knees. She’s going to wander off. She’s going to cry and get her heart broken. She’s going to learn hard lessons and struggle with herself. Through it all, I’ll be by her, struggling with her and supporting her.

Through all the fears, I still feel lucky. This girl of mine has graced my life, and it’s fuller because of her.