Motherhood
misty · Tue, Sep 1, 2015I still find it strange, sometimes, that I’m a mom. I mean, it’s not strange to take care of Milo or feed her or love her. It’s strange that I grew this girl and birthed her and now she’s here. It’s strange when I hear someone say the word “mom” when referencing me. You know, like “Go to mama” or “Mom’s right here.” It makes me want to do one of those “Who, me?” double-takes. I’m someone’s mom? Really? And every day Milo reminds me that yes, I’m a mom. She does this when she calms down after I pick her up, or when she sleeps so well on my chest, or when she feeds so well at my breast. It’s not often that we can say our identity has been altered in some major way. But mine has recently. I’m someone’s mom. I’m Milo’s mom. I’m going to do my best not to let this new part of my identity take over me, as some mom’s tend to do. I’m still Misty, but now I’m Milo’s mom, too.
Things that have changed since I became a mother:
I can’t watch any tv shows or movies that involve something bad or scary happening to a child. Even shows in which something bad or scary happens to an adult makes me think, “Geez, her poor mother.” Even if it’s fiction.
I can’t handle hearing Milo wail. Her little cries are ok, but the screams really hit me. I want to pick her up and make her feel better immediately. Thankfully, Chase is better with the screaming.
I constantly need reassurance that she’s ok. For instance, I wake up at all hours of the night to make sure she’s breathing. If I can’t tell, I wake up Chase, “Can you see her chest moving?” To which he responds, “Yes. God, you’re such a mom.” I’m told that I might need this reassurance for years to come.
I don’t want to leave the apartment. Milo hasn’t been vaccinated yet, and there was a case of measles reported in Berkeley recently. I might never leave the apartment again. Also, lots of hit-and-runs in the city recently. These are the things I think about now.